Monday, February 28, 2011, 08:50 AM
The theme for the weekend was hope for the best and expect the worst. Expecting the worst was the easiest part, because I was constantly reminded of the fact that I'm really not much other then a tramp. "friends with benefits" is the nice way of putting it. But the truth of the matter is, is that I just am not worth anything else. Why on earth would a man love me or want me around when I can just travel and put out.
God I want to run home at this point.
He called this weekend an experiment. An experiment in seeing how his friends and I got along. How we got along.... but the experiment doesn't take into effect my feelings thus far. This is his end of the experiment and I don't know if i want to do my end of it in six month when it comes my turn. Its just not something my heart is comfortable doing.
I had a feeling not to come on this trip. It was safe not to. I took the risk and now I'll live with the discontent of it all.
I get into states up euphoria and I'm on cloud nine. Cuddling with him, and snuggling but then with every high came the. "Well we're just friends, Kim." Line. Or "This is just an experiment."
I'm not a fucking lab rat. I'm a person with feelings and you're fucking walking all over them for the sake of your fucking experiment.
Yeah... I think I'm just gonna be old and content by myself.
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( 4 / 1 )Monday, February 21, 2011, 07:24 AM
what can I say between school and work and working for school I've been busy.
But its a good old fashioned snow storm outside and I'm love the photos... heres a new one.
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( 3 / 6 )Wednesday, November 10, 2010, 06:23 AM
I honestly didn't think that getting up an hour early in the morning was going to make that big a difference... or that it would even be easy. But honestly... I like it. I get up... I get to work a little earlier... I go to the gym for 45 minutes in the morning... half hour on lunch.
I get a good workout and I feel great all day long.
I sleep better. I know its only been three days but thats three days I've been in the gym. I'm not ungodly sore... so I know I'm not over doing it.
If I keep it up I should be good... right? I mean the only way you can go to the gym and not lose weight is if you're eating as many calories as you burn.
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( 3.1 / 10 )Friday, November 5, 2010, 01:11 PM
I'm so tired of it being pent up. I can feel it trying to get out, trying to erupt and explode out of my. Tears, screaming, cursing... its not fair... none of it will come out and just let go. Wrapped inside me like a coiled snake it refuses to let go.
She's dead, she's gone. I will never get to see her smile ever again. I didn't get to say good bye... the last thing we talked about was hoping she'd make it to her birthday party.... next week.
All the power, all the knowledge in the world could not help me save her and I was not there to comfort her in her last hours. What is the point if you are useless when it counts?
I tire of the mask I must wear daily to make the world think I'm ok, its ok. Well I'm not ok... and no it isn't ok. Its not going to be ok, and no I don't want it to be ok.
I want my momma wolf back. I want to get flowers when I go into the city and see her smile when I come in the door. I want her hugs. I will miss talking to her like sisters. And the sorrow I feel because no one will ever know what she truly meant to me.
She wasn't my mom but she was my mom. We laughed, we cried. I held her and promised her I would take care of her son and grandson. I hope I gave her peace. She gave me so much more then I could have ever expressed.
I'm sorry mom.... I miss you.
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( 2.9 / 7 )Friday, October 22, 2010, 07:53 AM
Last week... Last tuesday actually a man very close to my family by daughters would call him a grandpa passed away from cancer. Its funny how extended family works. He was my step dad's ex wife's father.... he didn't care he tried each child like they were straight from his lines... mackenzie and laura loved him. Peanut loved him.
It was hard to see him pass away.
This morning...
A close friend... a co worker... passed away here at work. He was rushed to the hospital after several seizures took him suddenly. We got the phone call shortly afterwards that he passed away at the hospital.
I'm no stranger to death. In fact I like to think I take it better then most people I know. But his hit me hard because tomorrow is/was his 50th birthday. Ron was born deaf and because of that had a good old time terrorizing us all with sign language cursing us out and having a blast with it.
I learned more sign from him in a month then I have learned in years of taking languages. Even looked into taking a course at school so that we could better communicate.
Now...
The concern now is that it comes in threes. And my best friends mom is on deaths door with cancer.
I don't know if I can handle her going. I'm not ready.
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( 3.1 / 15 )Monday, October 18, 2010, 06:04 AM
What a week....
The pros and cons are insane. I was home most of the week... a death in the family. So needless to say i was busy and had little time to eat according to plan
I climbed onto the scale once again expecting that there would a gain. If I was lucky I would stay put. Not the case
Last week I weighed in at 219.0
This morning number: 216.8
a 2.2 lb drop.
woohoo!
16 lbs to do by Christmas... 12 weeks. Its doable... my goal for this week was to be at 217. I dropped below that. IF i can reach 213 for next week i will be the lighest I have been in 6 years. Which means that I will have lost all the weight I gained from having the girls. NOW! The catch... I have never dropped below 215 since having the girls.
So.... this is a very important week.
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( 3 / 11 )Monday, October 4, 2010, 06:02 AM
The weekend was horrible.... at least when it comes to my weight. I had homemade mac and cheese, chili, hotdogs, hamburgers... candy and soda.
Ugh....
But. Somehow. I had gotten sick during the week and needless to say it was not pretty. I jumped on the scale thursday and found myself down 4lbs.
I figured it was being sick to my stomach I'll gain it back. Hmmm
Last week the monday weigh in was 223... I was down one pound from the week before.
Today I jumped on... and I was at 220. So even after replenishing my fluids and doing horrible over the weekend I still lost 3 lbs.
woohoo!
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( 3 / 5 )Thursday, September 30, 2010, 06:16 AM
Its raining here, pretty heavily.
they say it will do this all day long. We're getting a steady band of rain today from the lefts overs a tropical storm. Which is really good because the rivers and creeks are nearly bone dry. I've never seen the river this low.
It will be interesting to see how the yard looks after all this rain considering we're in a new house. The driveway was pretty soaked. I might have to park the van in the grass tonight when I get home. I need to move the gravel into the driveway.
For now we're all inside and dry. Its funny a friend and i were just talking about how much we like the rain. How refreshing it is. LoL lets see how refreshed we are after small stream flooding.
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( 2.7 / 7 )Monday, September 27, 2010, 05:32 AM
Another monday morning Another weigh in
still unfortunately sitting at 224...lbs since i started this venture some weeks ago I had lost 3 lbs of which was water weight but seemed to have gained it back somewhere else.
How and i supposed to motivate others to lose if I can't lose weight?
I've changed my diet, gotten the soda out of it. I've focused on less carbs.More exercise, but still... no results.
Frustration is mounting.
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( 3.6 / 19 )Friday, September 24, 2010, 02:56 PM
Tomorrow is the big competition
8am to 5pm
44 teams 11 towns
omg!
mackenzie isn't exactly aware of the rush yet but I can't wait to see her perform tomorrow in front of that many people. lol I wonder if she will choke. I don't expect she will... But still it will be amazing to see her. I have to say those little girls have put there hearts out there... they have practiced every night for 2 weeks solid... 5 and 6 year old kids. All they want is to win something.
We haven't told them they're getting medals just for going. Or that the parents are getting them trophies. Still... Its amazing I'm so proud of her. I can't explain it.
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